"He's Single"

"He's Single"

No two words can facilitate faster action, except for perhaps "Manhattan Project."

To our married friends, the definition of 'single' can vary.  For some it's a zoological experiment and the inexplicable need to extract the bachelor from his native habitat in the hopes of finding a suitable mate. There's the fix-up, the set-up and the mix-up.

The fix-up occurs when one half of a couple feels it's time for the bachelor friend to settle down.  The bachelor is resistant, he has after all supposedly roamed the land freely his entire debauchery filled life.  The fix-up usually involves a couple throwing a party and another single person ("She would be PERFECT for him!") is invited.  Often both the bachelor and bachelorette are unaware of the nefarious plot and are more than a little peeved.  This ends badly. Every time. The music is too loud, you're unprepared to meet someone new, perhaps you're also overtired and making mental notes of each time you've said something disturbing. ("I was a Martian in my former life!")

The set-up is giving the bachelor's phone number to a single friend in the hopes of chemistry striking.  The blind date is of course one of the oldest of tactics; two people who've never met face to face and have had only intermittent phone calls are thrust into a tense social setting.  Believe me when I say that during the date when the Bachelorette is discussing her plan to dry the wetlands for profit, the bachelor is fondly remembering a turf toe injury. Not even projecting Bruce Campbell will help.

The mix up is the moment when the bachelor and bachelorette discover they are utterly incompatible and the dinner salad has not yet been served.  Example:

"Never married? So what happened in your last relationship?" Asks the Bachelorette.  "Did your last boyfriend cheat on you?"

"No." Replies the Bachelor.  "We just drifted apart and... I'm sorry, what?"

"Oh, I thought you were the gay..."

True story.  I was asked if I was 'The Gay'.  Not merely 'A' gay, but 'The Gay'.  Imagine the responsibilities! Do I chair meetings? Do I run for reelection??  Heavy must be the crown, is all I can say.

Seriously, if someone is still single it doesn't mean they're twisted or damaged and doesn't have to be gay or straight, we just haven't met 'that' someone.  It may be that we're not ready to try again after a painful failure, maybe we're shy or don't feel the need to define ourselves as a couple. Perhaps our lives are so filled with responsibilities it's not fair to the other party to engage in a relationship.

We're aware of the perceptions; the "there has to be something wrong with him to still be single" mode of thinking.  The looks of pity, the uncomfortable third wheel moments and the endless holiday questions by family members. We already feel like the last toy still on the shelf, the day after Christmas and don't need to be reminded that the calendar has more pages behind than ahead.  Ask us before assuming that we need or want the set-up, fix-up or mix-up.

Maybe we're just looking for a Martian of our own.