A Random Rant - The Grocery Store

Today's rant is going to the store. Some of us hate shopping; now I do not use that word often nor do I use it lightly but hate is an apt description. For some of us the store, any store is a suburban version of Dante's inferno. Please keep these thoughts in mind when visiting said inferno.

There is a finite number of parking spaces in any lot; driving around is not going to make that magic space next to the door come out of hiding, it does not fear you. Just park your vehicle in the next open space and walk, it's not as if you're crossing the desert. Additionally while I applaud the use of caution for pedestrians, if I walk faster than you are driving, you could reasonably be described as moving only slightly faster than the parking space you are searching for.

When entering the store, do not stop immediately in the doorway and stare into the distance as if you are "shining". Red Rum! Red Rum! Who does this and why? It's as if they have discovered a utopia that has rendered them slack jawed. Unless you want to accidentally end up in my cart, please do not stop suddenly like that anywhere after entering the store. If you do, please watch the bread, it was the last one on the shelf.

Here's a tip: stores are designed to have likeminded items in specific sections. Do not wander about aimlessly; if you want to buy bananas I would not recommend the dog food aisle. And when in the frozen foods section, note that the freezers have glass doors. The food rarely rearranges itself in the split second between opening and closing so standing there for half an hour only spoils the food. I am not overly fond of the ptomaine flavored hungry man dinner.

I understand taking the occasional phone call when shopping, sometimes things come up or someone is reminding you to buy a specific item. However when taking that call and wearing a hands free headset, do not make lingering eye contact with me. I don't know if you're talking to me or someone else and frankly it freaks me out. By the way, to the person in Ralph's who was talking on the phone to her friend while in line, yes I can believe he called you that. Oh yes, I truly can.

Lastly, when in line and the cashier is totaling your purchase, trust me when I tell you that there is a zero point zero percent chance that they will not ask you to pay. This is not a game show where you are a secret contestant, so do not act surprised when the cashier tells you the total and you then spend ten minutes looking for your wallet. We are all tired, we are all waiting.

Then you decide to write a check.

This is my life, I'm not proud of it

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